In the first post in this series on gym etiquette we covered the area of
appropriate dress code for working out. In this second post in the series we take a look at the top 10 worst gym personalities, as a means to help you clearly identify and classify inappropriate gym behavior, and to help you steer clear from inadvertently falling into one of these categories as you embark on your fitness journey (for the third and final post in this series, click
here).
In no particular order, here is a list of the most annoying gym goers that I have personally come across over the years. Many workouts have been ruined on their account, so please allow me to vent my pent up frustrations in the cathartic swell below.
1. The American Idol: It is increasingly popular that gym goers do their workouts while listening to their iPods. While I personally prefer not to, I have absolutely no problem with it. Many people swear that their music helps them get in the zone and increase the intensity of their workouts while reducing the perception of effort. All this is copacetic. The problem arises when people confuse the gym with a Karaoke bar. The American Idol has somehow arrived at the completely delusional conclusion that their tone-deaf interpretation of Thin Lizzy’s “Boys are Back in Town” should be applauded by their fellow exercisers.
Hint: Stop It! When you get dirty looks from EVERYONE around you, it may be time to step off the stage and re-enter the reality of a gym.
2. The Boneparte: Many guys who enter the gym for the first time, particularly those of a slight or ectomorphic build, become intimidated by their perceived physical inferiority to the more established gym goers. As we all had to start from somewhere, we’ve all been there. The issue with The Bonepartes, is that they respond to their perceived inferiority by severe and often dangerous overcompensation. They put more weight on the squat bar than they should, and inevitably end up on the ground, trapped underneath the weight of their stupidity. I can’t tell you how many guys I have rescued from choking themselves out with a barbell while doing benchpress and not knowing their limits.
Hint: If you need your friend to hand you the weights because you can’t actually lift them yourself, it’s probably a good indication you should be using less weight. Also, if the only way you can squeeze out a single rep of a given exercise (albeit with atrocious form) is with your workout partner lifting 80% of the load – time to downsize Napoleon! If ridicule is your fear, you will attract much more of it by dropping a dumbbell on your head than doing an exercise properly with lighter weight.
3. The Kanye West: Given that the gym attracts those individuals who are concerned about their health and appearance, it is expected that you could bump into a few egomaniacs along the way. How can you spot the Kanye West at your gym? Easy – look for the mirrors! The Kanye’s will be found mesmerized by their own reflection as they perform any of the following: roll up their sleeves and flex their biceps, run their hands through their hair, nonchalantly lift their shirts to flex their abs. You may find engaging in conversation with a Kanye West a tad difficult as they will often talk (usually unengaged) to you while continuing to stare at themselves in the mirror.
Hint: Experts agree that the proportion of time at the gym spent posing in front of a mirror is negatively associated with any fitness gains, but positively related (R2 = 0.98) with being ridiculed and looking like a moron.
4. The Perez Hilton: While both genders can be equally guilty of being a Perez Hilton at the gym, most recently I’ve noticed a huge surge in the number of females who congregate on exercise mats simply to chat and gossip. Every once in a while they may stretch an arm or leg, but for the most part, their mouth is getting the majority of the workout.
Hint: Sitting on an exercise mat for over an hour while doing nothing other than chatting is not actually working out. Given the gym is for actually doing something, and space is limited, please just go to a coffee shop and do your gossiping there. And think – you won’t even have to change into gym clothes for that purpose!
5. The Screamer: Competing for airwave domination with the American Idol is the always present gym Screamer. Although most people think that only hardcore weight lifters scream because they are lifting tons of weight, this is a common misconception. In fact, screamers come in all shapes and sizes. Oddly enough though, they are almost always males. My take on screaming is the following: when a 100lb girl is squatting more weight than you in the next rack over, and is doing so silently, there is no reason for you to be grunting like a rabid boar.
Hint: Breathe regularly during each exercise. Grunting and yelling when bench-pressing the 45lb bar is completely unnecessary, and in fact can pose a safety hazard for those around you who may actually be lifting a relatively heavy load and are trying to concentrate.
6. The Backstage Ass: The Backstage Ass is a relatively new species of gym goer that I only came across recently. This individual is so hardcore that even after they worked out in the appropriate gym space, they just haven’t gotten enough. The obvious solution? Exercise in the change room! That’s right, nothing says you are an intense exerciser more than a set of pushups amongst other naked men.
Hint: Next time you’re in the locker room feeling like you aren’t quite finished, just make your way back to the gym and finish up there. You can just wear a bandana to let everyone know how intense you are.
7. The Chris Benoit: The Benoits are a staple of most weight rooms, although they will never be spotted near any cardio equipment. The Benoits, also known as juice monkeys, all have this in common: obvious abuse of steroids and associated extreme anger and hostility. In other words, the Benoits exhibit the obvious signs of Roid Rage. They often grunt and scream, like the Screamers above, but more often than not they yell obscenities. Then can be found standing near their workout area simply swearing for no reason. They often find it necessary to throw their dumbbells around, and make as much noise and disruption as possible. Another sure sign of a Chris Benoit are the following: severe acne, gynecomastia (breast development) and testicular atrophy. Despite their athrophied testes, be warned, however, you should not approach their vicinity as mere eye contact may be enough to set these Neanderthals off.
Hint: For the sake of your health, it may be a good idea to drop the juice. For the sake of social integration, drop the bully attitude you perfected in grade school.
8. The Uninvited Expert: “Hey, did you know that if you turn your feet 5 degrees outwardly you can really fire up the glutes when doing that squat.” “You should really try clenching your butt when doing bench-press – it really helps develop your core.” “Acai berry supplements get you really jacked, you should try it. Rachael Ray even endorses it!” These are just a few examples of the misinformation many Uninvited Experts feel necessary to tell you while you are working out. In many situations, the Uninvited Experts are actually staff members at the gym you are attending. Be careful with advice that spills out of these “experts”; despite their confidence in their own knowledge, a weekend course and a subscription to Men’s Health rarely provides one with adequate understanding of exercise physiology.
Hint: Unless asked for advice, please keep it to yourself.
9. The Rico Suave: The Rico Suaves are a huge aggravator for many female gym goers. Rather than working out, the Rico Suave lurks silently until he finds his pray: a female. In a flash, he pounces and drops any of the following on an unsuspecting female victim: “Hey, do you need a spot?”, “So, you like working out, eh?”, “Do you mind if I do my bicep curls (and grunt) directly in front of you despite the fact there is plenty of space elsewhere?”, “You want to get a protein shake after this?”
Hint: The large majority of females at the gym are there for one purpose: to get a workout, clear their head and de-stress. Unless the female you are attempting to woo is a Bar Star (see below), let her exercise in peace and save your pickup lines (and the inevitable rejections) for the bar that night.
10. The Bar Star: The female equivalent of the Rico Suave. Tube top, hoop earrings, a pound of make-up, and not a bead of sweat – the defining features of the Bar Star. Much like Rico above, the Bar Star frequents a gym not for any fitness purpose, but to find a suitable mate. If I had my way, each gym would actually have a designated room where the Ricos and the Bar Stars could aggregate. The room would be void of any actual equipment, since equipment is only ever used by these individuals as a prop for their posing or as camouflage for their lurking.
Hint: If you really want to pick up a guy while at the gym, at the very least stay clear of the equipment that the rest of us actually want to use. Hanging out by the water fountain may be a great alternative – you can even spray yourself with some water to make it look like you actually did something!
Wow – this was a long post, and a very cathartic one at that! Which one of these gym personalities irritates you the most? Did I overlook an obvious gym personality? Let me know in the comments section below – I’d love to hear what type of nonsense the rest of you have come across.
For more basic gym etiquette info, be sure to check out
Part I and
Part III in this series.
Peter Janiszewski
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